Where to drink tonight?

King West

Paris Texas is what people from Hamilton picture when they hear "Toronto nightlife." Country-themed, but hot-girl country — boots, denim, and zero working knowledge of farming. The line outside doesn't resemble a line so much as a mob with bad intentions, all jostling to get into a frankly remarkably OK bar. Tunes are decent, dancing minimal. If you need more than two drinks to feel anything, prepare your bank account — this is not a budget operation. Oh, and if it wasn't clear - massive line.

King West

Massive arcade bar. Tons of games, and your $10 cover comes back as $10 in game credit — genuinely fair, almost suspicious. Interior looks unreal, two huge floors, bar on each. I am not someone who wants to play skee-ball at 1am, but if that's you, welcome home. The dance floor is a small roped-off cage that smells like collective human effort and Axe body spray. Last pick for dancing, elite pick for drunken Pac-Man with people you went to high school with. Line looks long but moves fast.

King West

Place gets packed and the venue is narrow — zero space to move or dance. Good luck with "let's do a lap" fellas, you'll be bulldozing through bodies. If you can hunker down at a table, it's not the worst. They have a DJ — usually a guy I knew in high school, and as much as it pains me to admit, he plays heat. The line doubles for here and Locals Only next door, so depending on capacity you don't really pick where you end up. Girls can usually hustle their way in through the side door

College

Cute bar, but seats are a blood sport. Not a standing or mingling spot — show up with a few friends, lock in a table, soak in the vibe. The complimentary popcorn is dangerously good, full movie-theatre quality, and you will eat an unreasonable amount of it. Drinks are mid-priced. Solid pregame spot, but not somewhere you want to plant for the entire night unless your idea of a wild Saturday is "popcorn and chairs."

St. Lawrence

Not a weekend spot. This is Thursday drinks with the coworkers, the kind of night that ends at 11 with someone oversharing about their manager. No dancing. Just a cool, busy pub worth a visit if you're in the area and ready to commit to exactly one (1) controlled evening.

King West

95% of the reason people go to Ruby Soho is the location. Not a bad bar, but nothing to write home about. Drinks are fine, slightly pricey. No dancing, not particularly social, and definitely not where you want to end your night. Solid choice for a cuter pregame with the girls though. Covered patio if you want to sit outside.

College

Girls are gone. Boys night, and Matthew still doesn't have a job. Job market's rough, we get it. Welcome to the cheapest pitchers in the city — $15 for house lager that mysteriously tastes like popcorn. Mandatory at least one glass if you're at Bistro. Entrance looks like the gates of hell. Inside is shockingly cozy — not "bring the girls" cozy, but cozy enough for the lads. Small back patio opens in summer. Bartender looks like he'll fight you, but he's a complete sweetheart.

King West

Ever heard "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all"? Hard pass. Cherry's must have the best marketing team on earth to pull those lines while offering nothing outstanding. Music is a whisper — borderline ASMR. Pool table in the back, patio out front, and apparently the cocktails are good. There's also rumored to be a speakeasy in the back. I didn't get invited. Whatever they're paying their PR team, double it. Whatever they're paying for their speakers, refund it.

Ossington

Cute little Ossington spot. Good atmosphere, gets busy but never a line. Arcade games in the back, pizza stall to soak up the night. Peak "mind if we join you?" energy — chill crowd, good vibes, and you're still getting the Ossington baddies without the social anxiety of Mordecai or the financial trauma of Jean Darlene.

Entertainment District

Nice pub with a decent patio. Quietly getting more popular, which I'm choosing not to investigate. Not much else to report. Been a couple times, had a perfectly nice time both visits, and remembered both — which tells you everything. Not where I want to end my night.

Queen St West

LGBTQ+ bar, open till 4am. Good for chatting and meeting new people, which is wild because most bars at 3am sound like a jet engine. Big "cigarette smoking" vibe. Only spot I've ever seen where the line starts at 2am — when every other bar in the city is taping up the floors and lying about last call. Can't remember if there's a cover charge. One of the girls or gays will have to confirm. As a straight man I am, at best, a tourist in this review.

King West

I suspect the people who go here put more effort into their Instagram posts than the average human. Parlour is a solid spot — DJ on weekends, large standing crowd, and an observable absence of dancing. The venue is essentially one big room people stand (not dance) in. Drinks are expensive, line gets long. Music's decent. Not the worst pick for a night out if you can beat the line.

College

Cheap. Possibly cheaper than Bistro 422, which I previously held as the gold standard for cheapness. Not aesthetic, not ambient, not trying — but your heavyweight friends can absolutely catch a buzz for under $30, which is its own kind of beautiful. There's always a line on weekends, so make a reservation ahead of time. Yes, you read that right. A reservation. For a cheap bar. Toronto is a strange place.

King West

Ever asked yourself "how do I have the most aggressively average night of my life?" Probably not, but congrats, you found the answer. Belfast is never bad, never great — it just exists, defiantly mid. Two bars, some dancing room, pool table in the back. Line looks scary but moves fast, music's solid. And like everything else here, the ratio is reliably average. Decent King West option if your standards are calibrated accordingly.

King West

Cool venue. Couldn't breathe here on St. Paddy's — best night of my life and I remember roughly nine seconds of it after a random stranger (absolutely not my buddy) allegedly produced a mickey of vodka from his coat. Beers aren't cheap — clearly cashing in on the "perfect Guinness pour" mythology, like the extra two minutes of settling justify another $4. Solid vibe, great spot for casual beers, or, depending on the company, beers that ruin a Tuesday. Don't pregame here if you're a heavyweight.

Yorkville

Pub vibes. Shockingly reasonable pricing for Yorkville — not amazing, but not the felony you'd expect from the postal code. Solid pre-game spot for a bite and a pitcher before the night actually starts. Decently busy week-round. Do not stay past 11pm. Not the easiest place to meet new people unless you count the staff. Classic spot — exactly what it advertises and nothing more.

King West

Laissez-Faire's grungier, sexier cousin. Packed every night but there's always somehow room to dance — girls end up on the tables within the hour. Do not try this if you're a guy — the bartender will personally call you out and the room will turn on you. The move is locking down a table to the right of the entrance. Switch between chilling with a drink and dancing two feet away whenever the mood strikes. Great bar, line usually moves decently fast but can get pretty long on weekends.

Parkdale

Your night here is 100% dependent on who you walked in with. Not overly crowded, decent dance area, but it's the kind of place where coworkers get an OK night and the right friends get a great one. Not usually a big line (if any line) here on weekends though. Plenty of space for sitting in the booths. Also a bit out of the way for what it ends up being. If you're trekking across the city for this place specifically, take a beat and reassess what kind of choices you're making in life.

College

Pregame spot. Not overly social — sit down, drink your pitchers, and get lubricated for your night.

Queen St West

Borderline cheap. BORDERLINE. I've never walked out under $100, but drinks are fairly priced and the Inception Bombs hit hard. Not hype energy. Not "meet new people" energy. This is sit at a table and rail drinks until King West starts sounding like a good idea energy. Still haven't figured out the right way to drink an Inception Bomb. Feeling fly? Round of blowjob shots for the table. No hands. Weekend lines, plan accordingly.

Annex

Legendary bar, younger crowd. The place is a maze — four floors, each with a dozen different rooms. Dance floor, piano bar, booths, standing areas, pool tables, smoking section, patios — basically everything short of a chapel. Pitchers are mid-priced. If you're young enough, this is paradise. Can't walk two feet without running into someone from your childhood — your high school crush, your ex's friend, that guy who peaked at 17. High school was a time. Arrive before 10pm.

King West

Petty Cash got a remodel recently. I've only been once since, and the place still hovers between good and mid. No dancing — more stand-around-and-talk energy. Not the worst spot to meet new people if you've got the courage and a couple drinks in you. More "get their number" vibe, less "sloppy club makeout" vibe. Line gets long on summer weekends.

King West

Oldest bar in Toronto, and it wears it well. Packed every weekend. Live music lovers will fall in love, EDM and dubstep heads will hate it on principle — which, honestly, is part of the appeal for me. Live music most weeknights, and one of the strongest turnouts in the city all week. Dance floor, sitting areas, and exactly one bar that you will physically out-elbow strangers to reach. $20 cover on weekends, and a giant line if you arrive late. Above average priced drinks.

Ossington

My girlfriend likes this place. Told me — not asked — to include it. She bought a t-shirt here. Says it's great for a night out. I have not been consulted further. Good luck.

Parkdale

Basically ABG heaven. Discounts if you speak Chinese (not joking). And for anyone who'll actually pull up: ABG天堂，DJ打碟，蹦到腿软。tequila五块一杯，比奶茶还便宜。姐妹局首选，前男友约你来你也得来。妆要野，眉毛要细，眼线要飞起来。说中文有折扣，这不是开玩笑——会说"干杯"就行。

Ossington

The only spot on Ossington where a beer won't trigger your overdraft — if you can shove your way to the bar without making three new enemies. My friends love Badlands. I hate Badlands. I've been here every weekend for six months. Busy, music's fine, and those tall green cans everyone's death-gripping are $5. No line before 10:30, then it fills up like a GO train at rush hour. Darts and shuffleboard in the back — a chance to lose at something other than your twenties.

Kensington

Advertised as the best bar in Kensington — which is funny, because it's pretty much the only bar in Kensington if you're staying out past 11. Honest take: Supermarket is mid at best, dead at worst. Summer turnout is decent, but it takes a while for the place to fill. If it ever fills. Music's OK, $10 cover on weekends I think. Trivia on Mondays.